I have the sniffles and my wife isn't giving me any attention at all; how can I cope with her heartlessness?

Gosh it's awful, ain't it. But Jack, you'll just have to be a big brave boy. Get some nose drops and cough lollies, have a hot bath and a cold shower, and play with your laptop or whatever else comes to hand. People can be so self-centered and thoughtless, can't they! No wonder even big boys need their mummies. But we just have to get along without them for a while, occasionally. You could try your concubine, perhaps?